Halloween Recipes, early

Chocolate Cherry Stout Skull Cake

Anatomical Heart Cupcakes

This inspired me to share my own recipes so everyone can look forward to the fall:

SNACKS

1. Morbiere

It’s just cheese. But it’s badass cheese. It’s named after a town, but it sounds all deathly, right? It is a smooth, whitish cheese with a layer of ash in the middle. Also badass. Pair with other badass things. Like badass crackers (preferably black).

2. Devil’s Eye Eggs

Hard boil eggs, let sit. Take off shell. Halve eggs and put whites aside. Mix yolks with wasabi, mayonnaise, and salt. Use a spoon to put mix into halved egg whites. Garnish with Sriracha, paprika, and place sliced black or green olives in the middle of the “eye.”

3. Spaghetti Squash Zombie Bits

Roast spaghetti squash whole after stabbing it multiple times. Like a cereal killer. Bake at 350 degrees for an hour. Let cool.

Drizzle olive oil on a baking pan. Add scoops of roasted squash mixed with capers, shredded cheese, and shredded jicama or kohlrabi. Broil until cheese melts. Let cool and serve. It looks all apocalyptic and shit.

4. Graveyard dip

Put a layer of salsa verde in a baking pan and add strips or cubes of chicken breast. Roast at 350 degrees for 45 minutes. Add cheese on top and bake for another 15 minutes. Place blue corn chips vertically on top to appear as gravestones.

SAVORY

1. Polenta Brain with Tomato Basil Blood

Place one cup corn meal into a life-sized brain mold covered in oil. Add 2 cups boiling water or vegetable stock. Let thicken. When ready in a few hours,  put a plate on top of the mold and turn over onto serving plate.

For tomato basil soup, sauté diced onion and garlic. Add fresh diced tomato and basil along with salt and white pepper, in addition to any other spices you require. When finished, hack into the brain once with a butcher knife or cleaver. Remove and pour soup over brain so that there is plenty in the serving dish. Replace knife as garnish and, you know, functional instrument to cut polenta. Add a  spoon to serve extra blood, er, soup.

2. Pumpkin Ginger Witches’ Brew

Decimate carrots in a blender. Like, for real. In an oil-drizzled pot, add finely chopped onion and garlic and sauté. Then add finely shredded ginger root and carrots—at least one pound. Simmer for at least one hour. In the meantime, add shit like salt, because you’ll want that. And, you know, whatever else you like. Serve in badass cauldron-type thing. Or a pumpkin. Whatever strikes your fancy.

3. Meatloaf Torso

Form ground beef in the shape of a torso. Add sausage on top to look like intestines and various types of squash, halved, as other organs, and spring onions and condiments (ketchup, relish, pickles, olives, etc.) to bring the piece together. Bake at 350 degrees for one hour. Feel free to add pulled pork, slaw, or anything you like to take it above and beyond.

4. Fresh Meat and Greet

(No actual meat)

Make risotto like you always do—or if you don’t, do it how other people do. Get a pan nice and hot, medium temperature, heat up some oil, sauté the risotto itself, and slowly add water while stirring for a long ass time. The water should be cut with beet juice to create a pinking hue. Parmesan can also be added for a creamier texture. You’re welcome. It looks creepy as shit but tastes awesome.

5. Zombie Brain

http://www.purewow.com/entry_detail/recipe/8821/Forget-florets--roast-the-whole-damn-cauliflower.htm?utm_source=outbrain&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Recipes

DESSERTS

1. Witches’ Fingers

Long cookies with almonds for fingernails. Easy enough.

2. It turns out people make too many desserts. Just buy some shit.

DRINKS

1. Cold Cauldron

Ginger Ale and Green Monster. If you like, put water in a plastic glove, freeze, and put into the mixture. Because why not.

2. Hot Cauldron

Put red wine in a cauldron or other awesome giant pot that can take heat. Keep on low. Fill with red wine that tastes like autumn. Make it taste more like autumn by adding a teabag or diffuser filled with cinnamon and clove. It’s pretty much medicinal at this point. Just drink it.

3. Green Grog

Frozen limeade, sprite, lime sherbert. Put in a large punch bowl. Or bucket. I don’t really care. There is literally no way that this could go badly. Just don’t add any household chemicals you wouldn’t put in your breakfast cereal.

3. The Red

Rhubarb juice, pomegranate juice, and semi-sweet red wine. You’ll feel like Persephone escaped to Pennsylvania.

How to Become a Byzantine Princess

Justinian and Theodora are the Posh&Becks of the Byzantine Empire. But not many people know how Theodora--a low-born lady--caught Justinian's eye. Well, it involved a little party trick she does with her lady parts:

"Often, even in the theater, in the sight of all the people, she removed her costume and stood nude in their midst, except for a girdle about the groin: not that she was abashed at revealing that, too, to the audience, but because there was a law against appearing altogether naked on the stage, without at least this much of a fig-leaf. Covered thus with a ribbon, she would sink down to the stage floor and recline on her back. Slaves to whom the duty was entrusted would then scatter grains of barley from above into the calyx of this passion flower, whence geese, trained for the purpose, would next pick the grains one by one with their bills and eat. When she rose, it was not with a blush, but she seemed rather to glory in the performance. For she was not only impudent herself, but endeavored to make everybody else as audacious. Often when she was alone with other actors, she would undress in their midst and arch her back provocatively, advertising like a peacock both to those who had experience of her and to those who had not yet had that privilege her trained suppleness."

From The Secret History of Procopius, trans Richard Atwater, 1927, p. 102-103

Leda and the Swan by Francois Boucher

Gross Bio-Cakes

Thanks for the heads up, D C-K!

And HK!